Hating them all…

Tags

anger, depression, parents, sadness

I am filled with so much loathing I can barely look my loved ones in the face. I’m a child of divorce at the age of 33 which doesn’t make me as sad as you think.

Selfishly, I hate my parents for their individual self importance and weakness.

I hate the separate multiple phones made to me from opposite ends of their house. My dad did this…your mother did that…

I dread every text and ringtone. I self medicate with mixed drinks of high fructose corn syrup posing as cranberry juice and vodka bought from the last KMART in the state.

I wish I could just fade away.

Good decisions…

Tags

dieting, fat, shopping

I just tried on shorts at Walmart. It was horrific. Ended up buying ice cream instead. I think I made the right choice.

Disdain…

Tags

anxiety, depression, shoes

I have this palpable distaste for everyone right now. Every woman I pass is more lovely and has better shoes than the next. My shoes have worn out heels that click as I shuffle about, making it sound like I’m wearing heels even though they’re just flats.

Even my shoes make me feel like an imposter.

Major depressive disorder…

Tags

anxiety, depression

Being diagnosed as having major depressive disorder at this stage in my life is kinda like telling John Goodman he could lose a few pounds. I knew the trouble was there before I had a name for it.

Anxiety either keeps me up late or in a perpetual dream world. I spend a lot of time locked away in the ladies toilet trying to talk myself off some ledge and mask the feigning distress I will feel when I force myself to join the world at large.

I’m in there now. Silently plotting out my thoughts to no one in particular. My feet are curled inward with the outer sides of my shoes resting on the grubby tile. My elbows are resting painfully into my overly puffy thighs reminding I should probably drink more water. And my fingers crowned with ridged, broken finger nails tapping away. Asking for just one person to read. One person to understand. One person to tell me how the hell I’m going to make it through tomorrow.

Sigh. I need a drink.